Archive for December, 2011

December 17th, 2011

Wrong

In case you were not already painfully aware- I overthink the hell out of relationships. And communication. It’s like my hobby. Anyway…

I’ve done my best to quit getting defensive when someone tells me how something I’ve done has hurt them, because that seems terribly unhelpful. What I haven’t quit doing though is trying to communicate my heart and how hurting them was never  my intention. And what I also haven’t quit doing is worrying that not defending myself is going to make them feel like I was intending to hurt them.

And honestly, shhh, don’t tell anyone- I haven’t stopped worrying that me not defending myself will make it seem like the other person is right and I’m wrong. My passivity makes me afraid that people might think that I think I’m wrong because I’m not speaking up. Good grief, does it get more insecure than that?

Do we get over that or no? That ugly, glaring, burning need to be right, for others to know that we are, to validate us and our rightness? That goes away right? Come on, tell me I’m right about this need to be right going away.

What is that? How do I fix that? How do I heal that? What do you mean I can’t? Oh, Jesus. Fine.

I want to Looooove people. I suck at it sometimes, but I do honestly try my best.  And sometimes I don’t suck at it, I’m okay at it, and for some reason the enemy plays it like a game of telephone and by the time my Love gets to someone else’s head or heart, it sounds completely different. Ugh and oops and ouch.

In honest conversations with raw emotions, words fly and get bent, sharpened in the air, and hearts get pierced. And this accidental piercing kills me. And my steady taking of responsibility and apologizing… doesn’t it make it seem like I knowingly, purposefully hurt someone?

Does it matter what it seems like? Or do I just need to shut up, choose to See someone’s pain and validate it? Please tell me you have all the answers. Oh, you don’t? Do you have some then?

When your love gets misshapen and causes pain- what do you do?

When words come at you and seem all attack-y and harsh, assuming you intended to cause that pain- what do you do?

When you refuse to defend and ache for the truth of your good intentions to be made clear, but know that others reactions are not your responsibility- what do you do?

Know what? I’m pretty sure these are not even the right questions to be asking. I’m going to take a nap. Hopefully when I wake up all of my brokenness will be magically fixed and all my questions answered. Fingers crossed and all that jazz.

Love and love.

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December 4th, 2011

Friends

Everywhere I go, there they are. Continually, I am surrounded by Incredible People, and consistently, they call me friend. And it sews up little rips in my heart every time.

I’m a mess. I really am. And I know it. And I know everyone is a mess to some degree, but I don’t pretend to think that I am less of a mess than anyone else. And so I am all kinds of grateful, ecstatic really, when people decide, mess that I am, they love me. A crappy childhood kinda left me with a (messy) heart that is eager, eager, eager to love and be loved. My friends are my family.

The flip side of that I guess is that friendship is a choice, and life is… life. Stuff happens. Gosh. Friends come and go? Yes. Unfortunately. People might only be in your life for a season? Indeed. Sigh.

Does that make me wanna love a little less and give a little less and take a little less? Honestly? Yes it does. It makes me want to hold on to pieces of me that I don’t want to get hurt again. It makes me want to keep precious things close, and only give side hugs, and keep things on the shallow side with new friends. It makes me tremble some.

I am really terrible at shallow though. I am awful at staying closed off. And I adore big, giant, long, back-rubbing, squeezy hugs.

Sadly, I am terrible at loving small.

Sadly because big love sometimes equals big loss. Right now it does. And I am not going to dwell on my losses, because nobody’s life is fuller of Amazing Friends than mine. God, He surrounds me. But I am going to grieve these losses. Because they are worth grieving.

And to friends near and far, old and new… Big, big Love.

you patch me together
like an old tattered quilt
mending holes with pieces of your own fabric
stitching along torn seems
with ease and care

you sew me up
with kindness and love
steadily weaving thread
binding one square to the other
with words and affection

hands hold me close
eyes take me in
and just like that
what was once a pile of scraps
is something

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December 2nd, 2011

Maybe

So reluctant to write my story, any story as of late. So overcome with… well, life really. The busyness of it. And so full of intention. So wanting to slow it all down and be fully present.

So reluctant to… let my past define me. And honestly, I guess these are all excuses. Because I am full of want for story, full of desire to write. Still, there is this weighty, overwhelming sense that if I sit and wait on words to come, they will be accompanied by tears, and what a waste of an hour it would be for me to sit, heavy with sadness, grieving my past, when my present is so full of Amazing Love.

Soon I will. Soon I will set down the wonder that consumes me most days, pick up my old Stuff, thumb through it and write down what’s been Redeemed. Promise. Because redemption, after all, is ugly made Beautiful, Life from death, and I’ve got tremendous amounts of that.

There is just so much goodness around here, there really is. And it is the best kind of fog to be lost in. I snap photos almost constantly, bread crumbs I hope will lead me back to these blissful moments should I ever get lost again.

I guess that’s the thing, I don’t want to visit the places I left behind. But maybe if I do, maybe the Way to Freedom and grace will be made a little clearer. Maybe. Maybe it doesn’t have to be perfect. Maybe if I write about what happened and what was, who I am will be made clearer.

And hopefully, surely, who He is will.

Soon, all my sighs of deep contentment will string themselves together into a story. Maybe they are right now and I just need to listen.

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