In case you were not already painfully aware- I overthink the hell out of relationships. And communication. It’s like my hobby. Anyway…
I’ve done my best to quit getting defensive when someone tells me how something I’ve done has hurt them, because that seems terribly unhelpful. What I haven’t quit doing though is trying to communicate my heart and how hurting them was never my intention. And what I also haven’t quit doing is worrying that not defending myself is going to make them feel like I was intending to hurt them.
And honestly, shhh, don’t tell anyone- I haven’t stopped worrying that me not defending myself will make it seem like the other person is right and I’m wrong. My passivity makes me afraid that people might think that I think I’m wrong because I’m not speaking up. Good grief, does it get more insecure than that?
Do we get over that or no? That ugly, glaring, burning need to be right, for others to know that we are, to validate us and our rightness? That goes away right? Come on, tell me I’m right about this need to be right going away.
What is that? How do I fix that? How do I heal that? What do you mean I can’t? Oh, Jesus. Fine.
I want to Looooove people. I suck at it sometimes, but I do honestly try my best. And sometimes I don’t suck at it, I’m okay at it, and for some reason the enemy plays it like a game of telephone and by the time my Love gets to someone else’s head or heart, it sounds completely different. Ugh and oops and ouch.
In honest conversations with raw emotions, words fly and get bent, sharpened in the air, and hearts get pierced. And this accidental piercing kills me. And my steady taking of responsibility and apologizing… doesn’t it make it seem like I knowingly, purposefully hurt someone?
Does it matter what it seems like? Or do I just need to shut up, choose to See someone’s pain and validate it? Please tell me you have all the answers. Oh, you don’t? Do you have some then?
When your love gets misshapen and causes pain- what do you do?
When words come at you and seem all attack-y and harsh, assuming you intended to cause that pain- what do you do?
When you refuse to defend and ache for the truth of your good intentions to be made clear, but know that others reactions are not your responsibility- what do you do?
Know what? I’m pretty sure these are not even the right questions to be asking. I’m going to take a nap. Hopefully when I wake up all of my brokenness will be magically fixed and all my questions answered. Fingers crossed and all that jazz.
Love and love.