the middle

Screen shot 2015-01-15 at 9.24.20 PM





happy am i (mostly) to be host to this Bebe

to be in the middle of growing the child of the man i adore

but life has kind of wrecked my sense of self a few times
and so sometimes

i wanna be thinner
smaller, slighter
i wanna be tiny

but i’m not
not right now at least
and maybe not anymore

my frame
poor thing has been
all kinds of abused
mostly by me and my demanding
it be something it really isn’t
mostly by my unwillingness to let it be

let me be

strong or skinny or stout
as i have ever been
my middle
no matter what
is soft as soft can be
made that way by my Five
and they love it
they hold it and hug it and smile

and it’s swelling again
New Life kicks and swims
reminding me almost constantly
no matter what
with sickness and sleeplessness (and joy)
that my inside has been taken over

my outside has been stretched and starved
blamed and shamed for inside stuff
and it shows
and i spend way too much time not loving
this center that i carry
not loving me really
not loving that the rest of me
has decided to join in with my middle
and be bigger and softer

but (no pun intended)
here i am
whether i like it or not
(don’t i claim to Love and crave growth so often?)

so maybe instead of
loving the way curves soften others
the way other women carry them… selves
maybe instead of coveting so many other figures
and hating that all my straight, boney lines
are slowly being rounded

i can just marvel that i get to hold this life inside of me
i can wonder
glory even
that nine months will grow
not only me
but a New Little Wonder
that i got to grow these Four
and feed them
and that all of me has given to them
that all of them hold me and hug me and smile
no matter what

maybe i can be glad of a man
who beams like the sun
at curves he sees appear
new almost everyday
who happily glides hands over them at night
who will forever and ever
make me feel tiny
no matter what

maybe i can embrace me
the way they all do
and love however much of me there is
or isn’t
no matter what

P.S. I’m submitting this to She Loves Magazine’s “A Love Letter to My Body” snychroblog. Because, cheese and crackers it’s an amazing thing. Please check it out and do check out the comments as well. Love and Love.

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