This year has been chock full of loss for us. A little over a year ago, Joseph lost his father. And if you’re not aware of the circumstances surrounding that, I will just say it was one of the messiest losses imaginable. Subsequent to that, J lost his mind for a little while. He really did, and in that I lost my husband for a few months, and we nearly lost our marriage. I’m not by any means taking personal responsibility out of the picture here, mistakes were made on both sides. But we fought like hell to keep our marriage together, and thankfully had friends and counselors graciously step in and love us through it as well.
At the end of all that, well kind of in the middle of it actually, we found ourselves expecting baby number seven. And after twelve long weeks of working hard to repair our marriage, and me being extremely sick, we lost baby number seven. It was… heart wrenching. We grieved, we named her, Olivia, we let go, and we grieved some more.
And then only a few weeks later, Joe lost his beloved Grandmother, the woman who’d saved him from his awful childhood and raised him. I did my best to comfort and care for him, only to find out three days later that my own grandfather, the only consistently present, loving and safe man in my childhood had passed after a long battle with Alzheimer’s.
Amidst all that we got news that Eli might need spinal surgery, and though that has possibly been permanently postponed, it was a lot to take. And just over a month ago, Joe’s employment contract was up somewhat more abruptly than we had planned for, leaving us more than a little reeling.
Needless to say, the fog of sadness, heartbreak, frustration and loss has been thick this year.
Which is why we were completely shocked to find out that in this month where we thought we’d be about seven months along with baby number seven, we are in fact about seven weeks along with baby number eight.
We were both quite reluctant to celebrate. But this morning… we saw a fuzzy little black and white heart beating away. Something we never got to see with our precious Liv. And no, we are not out of the woods yet. Which is part of the reason we’re letting you know.
We could use a little love, a little prayer, a little holding up. We are in fact, feeling all the feels.
It’s likely I’ll be getting very sick soon, (though we are reeeeally hoping that I won’t). And it’s likely our kids are going to be dealing with a very mixed bag of emotions as well. We need peace like a blanket to cover our house. We need this little baby to feel love not anxiety. And we’ll probably need some extra grace as we navigate our way out of this fog.
And to you Little Bean,
Excuse out tentativeness if you will, you are loved so much already, I assure you. Lucky for you, there’s already plenty of room carved out in my belly:) As you’ll soon find out, our tribe is a bit of a wild one, but welcome.